YABBA ABU DHABI!

            Rest assured, Fred Flintstone would find nothing prehistoric in this modern mecca of obscene opulence. Anyone who thinks that Muslims all live in desert tents with nothing more than a camel, a prayer rug and some explosives has never been to the United Arab Emirates (and watches way too much Fox News). Like Dubai on last year’s trip, and Doha, Qatar on the trip the year before, Abu Dhabi is a schizophrenic place. A city that can’t decide whether to retain its Muslim values or succumb to Western influence. And is it any wonder? Religious fundamentalism thrives in poverty, not wealth. When your life consists of little more than throwing rocks at tanks or scavenging for enough food to meet your family’s needs that day, it is very easy to succumb to the demands of a mythology – any mythology – that promises utopia in an afterlife – something so much better than what you have right now. It becomes, after all, your only hope. But when your life is already pretty damned good, it’s hard to surrender to the nonsense. The men of Abu Dhabi are too busy wrapping up business deals and deciding where their summer home should be to heed any calls for a fatwah.

            Note I say “the men.” Therein lies part of the schizophrenia. In terms of infrastructure, architecture and living standards, Abu Dhabi tops any American city. But its poor treatment of women – indeed, the poor treatment of women throughout the UAE and much of the Arab world – rivals even that proposed by the most militant Tea Party politicians. Women are deemed subservient to men. Even the property of men. They do not sit with men, converse with men and certainly don’t compete with men on any level. Surrounded by their black burkas, they are to be neither seen nor heard. Yes, the burka is still a regular sight – even the full, bee-keeper version. But most Arab women I saw at least had their faces uncovered. And in Abu Dhabi, there are perhaps as many Western women (who wouldn’t dream of wearing such an oppressive outfit) as there are Arab women. For every burka, I saw a pair of shorts and a t-shirt on women. Nevertheless, the women in our group were advised that the key to avoid risking an incident was to keep their knees and shoulders covered. (Because, after all, think of all those kinky websites that cater to those pervasive knee and shoulder fetishes.)

            So, while the people of Abu Dhabi tolerate the “excesses” of Western visitors, they have yet to surrender the fundamental precepts of their own religion. Let me give you an example of what I observed at our hotel, the over-the-top Jumeirah at Etihad Towers. (As just an example of the hotel’s surreal elegance, the walls of every elevator consist of different shades of Jasper or granite marble. These were the views from my roomJ

There is a large shopping mall of high end stores – the top names in every field – in the hotel. But on the bottom floor, there is also a supermarket. That is, a grocery store, with flour, sugar, rice, beans, toilet paper and the like. I had left a bag of toiletries in a prior hotel room, so I went to the market to pick up a few things. There was a meat section with beef, chicken and lamb – and a closed door off to the side of the section with a sign that said “Pork – For Non-Muslims Only.” You had to activate the door electronically to enter, but when you did, you entered a room full of every pork product imaginable. So, the place was willing to sell pork to non-Muslims but made a point of concealing the presence of the pork from the Muslims – not the fact of its sale but just the vision of the meat.

            The bottom line is that the UAE makes its money off Westerners and strives to achieve everything we have and more. How else do you explain ATM-type machines that literally spit out gold ingots instead of paper cash? How else do you explain a country that consistently achieves top status in uniquely Western endeavors? Indeed, last I heard, the Guinness Book of World Records was opening an office in the UAE because of the number of records the nation holds. I saw the tallest building in the world last year in Dubai. And the only purported seven-star hotel. And this year, I rode the fastest roller coaster in the world in Abu Dhabi. (Almost instantly, the Formula Rossa reaches 149 miles per hour.)

Catering to Westerners can even conflict with the citizens’ own practice of religion. The Grand Mosque is only of the most ornate (and frankly ostentatious) cathedrals/places of worship I’ve ever seen.

Every column is inlaid with semi-precious stones.

The temple had to cost countless millions to construct, let alone maintain. It is supposedly a sacred place where Muslims worship every day. But that doesn’t prevent the place from holding guided tours for Westerners who want to get a glimpse of how the other half lives. As long as folks are willing to don a robe (when otherwise dressed inappropriately) and remove their shoes, they can invade the “sacred” province of the temple where people worship.

Frankly, I am unimpressed by the beautiful mosques in the Middle East, the gorgeous cathedrals in Europe, the Vatican in Rome and the enormous churches in some U.S. cities. At least in the Christian faith, Jesus supposedly told His followers they should pray in private and not in public as the hypocrites do. (Matthew 6:5) He also admonished us to care for the poor, sick and needy. Surely, there are corollaries in other faiths. And is God/Jehovah/Allah/Spaghetti Monster so insecure that he needs to be surrounded by marble columns and gemstones when people ask Him for stuff? If we took all the money spent on these ornate “holy places” and gave it to farmers, medical researchers, hospitals and the like, we could probably wipe out most social ills. And people could still pray – just not surrounded by the material things that aren’t supposed to mean anything anyway.

            If I sound a bit cynical about Abu Dhabi, let me make clear that I had a wonderful time there (I could have stayed at the hotel and had a wonderful time, frankly). And it is a beautiful, wondrous place. But I will have difficulty heaping much praise on any Middle East venue until the day comes when they start treating women as something other than chattel.