WE DO AT LEAST ONE THING BETTER THAN ASIA! HINT: IT'S A SIN!

[Breaking news: We just arrived at Kathmandu, Nepal. Quite a difference from the rest of the areas. More on that in next entry.]

(Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)

            We first reported that Shanghai puts Manhattan to shame in terms of skylines. We then noted that the service and friendliness of the Asian people we have encountered surpass that of many Americans we have encountered (note the sleight of hand with the insertion of "we have encountered" so we can't be accused of stereotyping). We can now report that the United States one ups Asia on at least one thing -- gambling. (What a claim to fame, huh? Well, if you're addicts like us, actually it's a big deal.) Don't get me wrong: I know the scorecard is not so one-sided in Asia's favor. We're speaking of a several-day evaluation of tourist attractions during a vacation. But it's good to know that the good ole U.S. of A. remains supreme in at least one area of forbidden decadence.

            The update: we spent the last two nights in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia where we had one day of scavenges. We are en route to Kathmandu, Nepal where we will have landed by the time this has been posted. The next day, we're off to Meridian, Mississippi then Cullman, Alabama. (Ignore the last sentence. I'm reserving judgment as to whether it's a double entrendre.) I know nothing about Kathmandu except that it's the subject of a song I now can't get out of my mind, despite my best efforts. Or is that "Cat Scratch Fever" in my head? Oh well, toe-mae-toe, toe-mah-toe. As my friend, Lee Polk is wont to remark, I am the ultimate Philistine. I know culture only if it comes in a glass and art if it tastes good. And you know Casey ain't any more artistic. Perhaps that explains why we're not so prolific with the scavenges.

            Kuala Lumpur is another massive, seemingly well-off Asian city that has become extraordinarily Westernized. Perhaps there is a bit of ethnocentrism in suggesting that big buildings, Starbucks, KFCs and McDonalds reflect Westernization, but so be it. I cringe to think that there are people all over the world who truly believe the Colonel and the Golden Arches are the essence of American cuisine. Sadly, those in other lands not only associate American cooking with fast food but with the worst fast food we have to offer. Would that one could at least find a Popeye's or In-and-Out Burger in the Far East. But I digress.

            Kuala Lumpur is purportedly a Muslim city, but I would never have known that had someone not told me in advance. I saw but a smattering of women in Muslim attire (and none sporting beekeeper uniforms). By contrast, many women don shorts, make-up and uncomfortable footwear. Lady Clairol is obviously sold in myriad tints. Women hold virtually every service position as do men and congregate with men in all public places (except perhaps certain of the "happy ending massage" parlors, but I digress yet again).

              

            We eschewed the temples and went straight for the casino -- save for a brief stop at the Jade Museum where they have more jade than Doan's has pills. I contemplated the million dollar giant jade Buddha for our front lawn but (a) I doubt I could secure financing of the $999,000 I'd need to pull off the deal, and (b) I suspect my neighbors, who have heretofore been opposed to a homeowners association, might suddenly see the merits in establishing one. It's all just as well, for there is room for only one obese, puffy-faced, ancient man on Pony Chase road. I did buy a lovely jade necklace for my mother.

            Back to the Genting Casino -- the largest in Asia. The hour-long-plus drive there was stunning. Beautiful mountains, hills and valleys. So reminiscent of Bali (the only place in Asia that Casey or I had previously visited). The natural scenery was worth the lengthy drive. And thank goodness, because the casino was not. Being the only legal casino in the area, it has a lot to learn from Vegas (or even much tackier Atlantic City). It is certainly the size of a Vegas resort -- and actually quite bigger -- but the similarity ends there. The facility is old, worn down, dirty (with standing "water" in the bathrooms, some of which featured the infamous "porcelain-lined hole in the ground" commodes) and overcrowded with tourists. There was nothing elegant or unique about the place. (For goodness sake, they could at least have installed a bit of neon. Pastel colors are big out here. Why not reduce them to bright lights?) Frankly, it was a giant mall of rude shoppers.

            And get these two facts: First, you can't drink anywhere in the casino area, including the restaurants! Not the best of business planning for a company that presumably wants to maximize the irrational bets that generally flow from booze. Whoever runs Genting needs to have an aperitif with Steve Wynn. Granted, given the sheer number of K-Mart blue light shoppers removed from their element and sitting at casino tables until their Liz Claiborne stretch slacks reach their breaking point, the casino is undoubtedly making a lot of money. But it could make so much more and have a clientele that isn't the riff-raff you willingly pay outlandish discotheque cover charges to avoid encountering. Second, several of our group were turned away because they were wearing shorts. Their attire wasn't deemed proper. Yet, the outfits of those permitted entry resembled what remained at the bottom of the blue light bin after all the serious shoppers had left. The only person the casino needs to admit in uniform is Josephine the Plumber.

            Casey and I wanted to play blackjack which was one of the games in the IR (International Room). But we had to be VIP members to enter that room and the casino required passports before it would even allow us to apply for membership. Of course, we didn't have our passports with us, so we were relegated to playing pontoon, the Asian version of blackjack. Foolishly, we failed to inquire as to the differences in rules. At one point, on a hand on which he'd bet a lot, Casey double-downed on an ace and a seven with the dealer showing a six. Quite a smart move in blackjack. Casey then drew a three, and we thought he had the hand won -- only to find out that, in pontoon, an ace counts only as one and not 11 on a double down. What a stupid rule that makes the game far less interesting.

            I got bored with the whole affair in short order. Gambling at a table in a giant mall-like structure with people who look like they just spent the last three hours of their lives in the clearance section of JC Penney is not my idea of a grand time. I hadn't eaten since breakfast and night was rapidly approaching, so I ate at an Indian restaurant outside the casino but still within the never-ending bourgeoisie complex. The meal was actually rather good. I'm developing a newfound taste for Indian food. Granted, it will likely come in handy only when I'm traveling within the U.S. and need take-out after 10, but it beats Domino's pizza.

            Make no mistake: overall, Kuala Lumpur was magnificent. I'm just thrilled to find a flaw in our Asian trip that I can exploit for my American friends.

            I'm finishing this while sitting at the pool bar at the Hotel Shanker in Kathmandu, Nepal. (While the crazed lunatic competitors with whom we're traveling -- who are charming, fascinating and utterly lovable despite their insanity -- are out and about performing every scavenge they can complete before it becomes pitch black and their feet blister -- whichever comes last), I chickened out of a jaunt through town with the exception of a cab ride to a nice restaurant this evening, because it's been raining off and on and thunderstorms are in the forecast -- circumstances the others relish because they know the conditions may slow down their rivals -- needless to say, I'm ribbing my new friends). I already know I'll have lots to share about this place, where we'll be for the next two days, but this entry is already too long. Suffice it to say (cryptically) for now, Casey and I won't have to worry about failing to meet any superficial VIP standards in this undoubtedly charming land.